Signing off...

Today was a very long and overwhelming day (as if I haven’t had enough of those in this battle..) Today I met with a radiation oncologist as well as a new general/melanoma oncologist to decide on treatment going forward. This day has been in my mind for weeks, literally 3, and it just hit me harder than I expected. I knew things would have to be decided soon, but it is still a lot more intense when you are in back to back appointments from 9am-2pm and being bombarded with so much information about what you are about to willingly agree to do. Then at the end of it they hand you a paper and ask you to sign in agreement and I literally cried as I signed the paper that basically will change my life as I know it from here on out. These days are now known as my BC days (before chemo).

Things are starting fast.. as in 6 days. The room requests and insurance paper work is filed. Additional tests scheduled. And now the timeline has begun. I was pretty certain that it would still be an additional week before starting but was caught off guard when they date of April 6th was announced. So Monday it is. 

How do you even get ready for such a thing.. I have read more blogs about things and I don’t know if I will continue to read them going forward. I think I will just look up any question I have as it comes up and will try my best to enjoy the moments of this week before my treatment begins. 

Although there aren’t many great things to look forward to when you think of chemo, there were some positive things that I was happy to hear today. One of them being that my hair most likely will not fall out but just thin. I had been planning to do a hair cutting party before starting and donate my hair as I figure if it was going to disappear anyway that it should go to a good cause instead of just fall out. I still will consider this option if it begins to thin drastically. My doctor suggested to see how this round treats me and not do anything drastic right now. Secondly, I was informed that my restrictions as far as dealing with my compromised immune system are not as severe as I had read about and will just need to be cautious but can still enjoy going out in public and seeing people, as long as they are not sick or have been around sick people/kids. I will probably still avoid many public situations for the safety of things, it is nice to know that I wont have to just be a shut in. Same goes for food options, where I felt there were more limitations there aren’t as many and I basically have the same as a pregnant woman. 

Something that popped in my head today as I was driving was that I endured almost 3 months of pain and issues with my back surgery and that was when I thought it was only going to be 4-6 weeks of issues so I can handle and make it through 9+ weeks of biochemo and feeling terrible. Or at least that is what I am trying to tell myself. 9 weeks go by so fast and so I’m hoping this case isn’t any different. 

I have a feeling these next 5 days will speed past. I was going to go on a mini vacation but now think it is just too overwhelming and stressful sadly to go. The travel time will be a 1/3 of the vacation time and I just don’t think it will be good right now. I am still deciding though. I’m completely torn. As for now I’m going to rest up for my next two days of 3 appointments/scans per day and try not to stay awake stressing about things I can’t change. 

One day at a time. One minute at a time…

The Blogs and Pinterest

I have decided to start reading people’s blogs who have also gone down this road called Melanoma, and I’m not sure if I am happy I started doing this or if I should have stayed in my little bubble of not knowing more than I need to know.  I didn’t start googling/reading things until after I was home from my surgery and started reading more once my pathology came back. Once the bad news came in things just got a little too real and I needed to take some control of the information floating around in my head, but like I said, not so sure that was the best move.

On one hand it is nice to hear what is ahead to be ready and not be surprised when I get hit with crazy symptoms, side effects and such. But on the other hand I now know a lot of what is to come and it is pretty scary and a long road. I have only read blogs where there is a successful outcome so there is that to always look forward to in the end.  Pinterest is a different beast as well. It has been very helpful to find things and tricks to help ease this bumpy ride but it also makes your mind start thinking about so many things that it didn’t before.

One thing I have to keep in mind is that everyone has a different reaction and tolerance to things as well as a different medical plan. Again, I have to have confidence in my doctors and their recommendations for me going forward or else I will get too far in my head about things and overthink every little thing.

I find out this week what the real plan is. I feel like it is progressing so slowly but it is needed to give my incision the time to heal before starting on such an intense treatment path.  I have a week full of doctor’s appointments. I was told by a friend who is also an oncologist to make fighting cancer my full time job and that’s what this week will feel like, 4 days and 6 appointments. I am not working right now so cancer is my fulltime job.  I could start as early as the following week. It all just feels like a dream, or a nightmare really, that I will wake up from. Surgery/scars included.

It has been nice to have some more energy and be able to see friends and family though, everyone has been amazing beyond belief.  Brings tears to my eyes to think about the support I have received and the numerous gifts. I am a lucky girl.

Now I might go look at Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake sketches to balance out my other searches… and maybe some puppies too.

One day at a time.

Battle Wound

3 weeks ago I had surgery to remove all the lymph nodes on the left side of my neck, 37 total due to stage 3c melanoma. I went back and forth on whether or not to share a picture of the aftermath but decided that people needed to see what Melanoma was capable of. This is not “just” skin cancer, this is cancer. This scar is 6 ½" long and something I will have to learn to embrace over time. My second journey with melanoma has only just begun and it is only through the continued support from my army of friends and family that I know I will come out on top, but not without a fight. 💜 #melanoma #stage3c #cancer #Melafuckinoma #myarmy

The C Word

I have realized in the past 2+ months that a day hasn’t gone by without saying the word cancer. It has been in the past week that I have been bombarded with cancer talk and everything you could imagine cancer. Because of my scar that isn’t very easily masked, I have been asked about it almost every time I’ve been out in public, thus going into the script of “I have cancer… Melanoma… Yes, it is a skin cancer… Yes it can be on the inside… Yes, it actually is one of the fastest spreading and most deadly cancers there is… Yes, it’s true… Yes, it started on the outside 6 years ago.” I’m basically a walking billboard for Melanoma and skin cancer awareness, or awakening.  

Yesterday it just kind of hit me that I will not be escaping the constant reminder or cancer. I went to get my oil changed yesterday and when I was waiting for my friend to pick me up there was an entire segment on a local news station about skin cancer and sun safety. When I came back to pick it up, there was an extended commercial for melanoma and treatment advances at Huntsman on. When I came home to catch up on my DVR, each show I watched had a cancer theme for that episode, lucky me!

The reality is cancer is literally everywhere. It will eventually touch each and every person, somehow or someway. I have to accept that I will probably be followed around by the C word for years and decades to come, something I will have to learn to embrace and wear with pride.  For now I think I just want a couple days where I would like to forget that I am facing the battle of and for my life. 

At least it isn’t the other C word that is following me around.

One day at a time. 

Tumor Board

It has been a rough couple days; I’m not going to lie.

After over two weeks of waiting, we finally got the pathology back and it wasn’t good.. They removed 37 lymph nodes from the left side of my neck and 3 came back with melanoma. There was also floating cells in the surrounding tissue (there is some crazy scientific name for these but I can’t seem to remember what it is) and these cells are what is scary… They are just floating, ready to spread and grow. That’s when the big words came out, like radiation and the big one – biochemo.

Before the pathology came back I had an appointment with an oncologist and from the information he had then, there weren’t many options available to me at Stage IIIc, none that I felt confident in pursuing. It is sad when you know you need to do something but the options they give you only help 8% of the patients that take it.. I don’t like those odds and quality of life vs. benefit plays a giant role. I left that appointment frustrated and felt that I was sick, just not sick enough for more options. Now that pathology is back, I am definitely sick enough. 

My case was brought to what is called the “Tumor Board” where they basically have a meeting to discuss my case in its entirety and decide what to do. All the big docs are there and they just hash out what to do and what has already been done. Today was the day that my case got presented and where more than one big-wig-melanoma-guru voted that radiation and biochemo is what needs to happen; that I am young and need to hit it hard now.  Hearing it from the big docs makes it just that much more important and real.

Biochemo is a very intense form of chemo. It is a combination of 5 drugs, 3 of them are regular chemotherapy drugs and then 2 are immunotherapy drugs. It is done in an inpatient setting to monitor side effects and toxicity. After 5 days inpatient you go home and do injections at home every other day for a week and then have a week to recoup before embarking on the cycle again. At my stage they are suggesting 3 rounds followed by radiation. It’s crazy to think that you voluntarily enter into this type of torture. I have to just think that this extremely hard year is so that I can have many more good years ahead. I’m not worried so much about the hair loss and the nausea and sickness, but I’m terrified of the damage it may do to everything else. Is my body strong enough to do this? I guess you’ll never know until you are in it… such a scary thing to agree to. That is why I have to have pure confidence in my doctors that they will have my best interest at heart and do what is best for me in the long run.

I am not blind to the fact that I’m in for a rough go and that this is a very serious thing I’m dealing with. How I got dealt this card and battle I don’t know, but someone thinks I have it in me to fight again and so I am going to, even if I am shaking and terrified. This may be the battle of and for my life, I have to get my head in the game and look past the grueling months ahead to when it is all over and I can celebrate.

But for today I am sad and scared. Working on being optimistic and strong, that will have to come another day.  Today I am going to let myself feel the sadness of the situation so that I can work past it.

One day at a time.