Not Goodbye...

This week has been a really hard week. As many of you have heard me talk about my melanoma soul sister, Mandy. Well she has truly struggled from the moment of diagnosis. She literally got every side effect from any med she was on. On top of that, her cancer spread quickly and very aggressively. On Wednesday she was told what we hoped to never hear and that is that the cancer had reached her brain. On Thursday she was told her body is too weak to continue fighting and that she no longer can do any more treatments - it is too far advanced. Friday we said our goodbyes or see ya laters. And last night at 6:53pm she peacefully slipped away.
When I left on Thursday night I was thinking it was the last time I'd see her. She was not really coherent and in constant pain. She could barely speak and when she did it was so quiet and sparatic that it was hard to understand what she was trying to say. It hurt my soul to leave the hospital that night. I thought of her nonstop the entire night - not sleeping well. Then Friday came and I got a call from her sister asking me to come up. Mandy had wanted me to come see her and truly say goodbye. She had chosen to be done and was making steps to end the struggle - removing her feeding tube, slowly going off of her oxygen and stopping all prolonging medicines. The goal was to now get her comfortable and at peace with the next step. I got to the hospital not long after 2pm and by the time I got there she was not up for anymore visitors. I chose to stay there and in the lobby, just in case she changed her mind. Her family would come join me when they needed a break from the room and we grabbed some food and passed the time. It was 5:45pm and her mom said she wanted me in the room. I put my brave face on and entered her room. To my surprise she was coherent, talking and smiling. Just that sight brought me to tears and she just continued to wipe my tears away. She told me I had to take the fighting crown and kick its ass. She told me how important I was to her and how she thanked the universe for having found each other. She said that if heaven forbid I can't win the battle that she will be there with open arms to welcome me. I asked if she were scared and she said no, that she is ready to not have anymore pain. She then said that she was really weak and couldn't talk more and so we said our final "I love you's" and see you later, but hopefully not soon. I left the room with much more peace and calmness - and tears - than I had before but I knew that she wouldn't be here much longer. I stayed around the hospital for another hour or so and then finally felt it was ok for me to leave. I kept my phone close all night, and then all morning. Then all afternoon. I then got the message that she was gone. Even though I knew it was coming, it still took my breath away. A phone call from her mom just broke my heart as she apologized for having me lose my melanoma sister - through her tears.
Today I have been able to see how many people love Mandy and all the amazing posts on social media about peoples love and sadness over losing Mandy. It's been pretty incredible. It is hard to think of continuing my battle without her physically here, but I know she is going to be right by me every step of the way. Giving me her strength, which was incredible and unwavering. I am so happy to have met this beautiful soul and all she brought to my world in the brief 6 months we had the pleasure of knowing each other. I have gained another family - an amazing one at that.
I wont lie, it is also very scary for me to think that I have the same thing that just took my dear friend and to see what it is capable of. I know each persons struggle is different and not everyone has the same path, but it is hard to not let your mind start worrying and thinking the worst. I will just have to think about how hard she fought whenever I have moments of weakness and am scared.
It truly is a battle to be fought one day at a time, and on this day I am going forward 10 seconds at a time.

Mandy, I truly feel you are my soul sister and I love you dearly. Thank you for sharing your life with me these past 26 weeks which feels like so much longer. I have so many things that will remind me of you that it is hard to list. It is little things that will always make me smile. I hope you are singing and dancing again, and remember I said you can't haunt me, but only come hang out. You fought hard and strong and cancer definitely didn't win, your body just wasn't ready for how strong your mind and heart were. I am so excited to have the most beautiful guardian angel. I hope that you are with my Gram (who also passed on 1/30) and that you both are laughing and smiling like you both did best. I love you sugar, to the moon. 11:11 forever.

Here is the link to Mandy's Melanoma page: Mandy's Rhythm of Hope
As well as some of our pictures together.

Never a Dull Moment

There truly isn't a dull moment in my life sometimes. I feel like I am on a roller coaster at times - go from not having much going on to having everything going on. 

On Thursday and Friday of last week I was sick with side effects and then told to stop my meds for a break. On Monday morning I found out that my mom was taken to the hospital for heart pains the night before. Turns out that she had a 95% blocked artery and she had 2 stints placed. She was in the hospital for 3 days, but now is feeling brand new she says. The doctors say that she barely escaped a major heart attack and that it is good she came in when she did.

I went from sitting with her in the hospital to Huntsman to sit with Mandy, who is getting progressively worse. 

My doctors appointment was Wednesday and we decided to try another type of Braf inhibitors and see if the side effects don't hit me as hard. It is hard because in just this short amount of time the tumors have begun growing, which is very scary to feel and be aware of. I will start the new drugs either Friday or Monday at the latest. My doctors don't seem too concerned about the break in treatment but I can't help but wonder what that will do. If I react with strong side effects there may be an option of switching to a PD1 drug such as the Niv/Ipi combo or Keytruda. We shall see how the new meds go. 

And then I think I have caught a stomach bug... All the fun at once. 

One day, one moment at a time.

Thoughtful Gifts

Through out this year many people have bought me things - basically I have been beyond spoiled to say the least. This past Christmas I was given some very thoughtful gifts that are based on my cancer battle. First was from my good friend Erica who bought me a very nice stainless steel bracelet (from Mark and Graham) with a secret message engraved for those close enough to read it (I'll let you read for yourself) She didn't want me wearing the traditional plastic cancer bracelets so she upgraded mine. Then my good friend Sara got me two Pura Vida Bracelets and one of them benefits melanoma and the Melanoma Research Foundation. Pretty great gifts if I must say so! Thanks friends!

#melafuckinoma was too long so this was the next best thing...