Hello, 2017

Goodbye crazy 2016 and hello 2017, may you treat us well!

Usually on New Years I like to look back at the year at all the good that has happened and lately so much craziness has been going on in the world that it is hard to look through that fog and see the good in the dark. That said, I still know there was so many good things to be happy about for 2016 as there was to be upset about.

My year was once again consumed with being cancer Alexis, not how I'd like to always be, but sometimes you need to commit yourself fully to something to get rid of it. I know I am not rid of my cancer, and it in fact is worse than it was last year, but I know I have given it all I have and don't plan on quitting anytime soon. I have done 8 different treatment options in 2016 alone, including surgery, brain radiation, neck radiation and BRaf inhibitors multiple times. I have been hospitalized for drug induced hepatitis (liver issues) three times, went to the ER three times for all different reasons, hospitalized for nuetropenic fevers and then infection one week later. I had to have a feeding tube that I threw up twice. I got a port placed and it was the best thing I've done. I had a liver biopsy. I had a weird breathing treatment. I have two creepy radiation masks of my face/head. Got three radiation tattoos across my shoulders/chest that will be there forever. I gained 40lbs from a 4 month high steroid treatment regimen, to only drop down to my lowest weight in years due to chemo and radiation. I have had to force myself to eat and realized the amount we take tasting for granted. I have mucousitis. I have drug induced hypothyroidism. I have come accustomed to giving myself blood thinner shots twice a day. I had a 6" x 6" tumor mass/cluster removed from my neck. Received 2nd and 3rd degree burns from intense radiation to my neck and head. I lost all my hair a second time this year. I lost a good friend to this crazy cancer and it lingers in my head daily that I am still here and she is not. I have learned that cancer is my job for now and it will stay that way until I am NED (no evidence of disease) or don't have a choice.

Personally life was really pretty great this year. I traveled when I could, headed to California, Bear Lake and then traveled around to things in Utah that I had never made the time to see like the Spiral Jetty, Peach Days, Snowbird and Eden Balloon Fest. I went boating. I saw the Dhali Llama and got a creeper picture with him (he didn't know though...) Saw some great friends get married. Celebrated the 4th and 24th of July, Halloween and New Years. I worked when I could for a company that has been more than flexible with me and I'm beyond grateful. I finally am in my own place and have all my things in one place and no more storage unit. I had my best friend some in and surprise me from out of town multiple times because she knew I needed her. I entertained the idea of dating even if the other person didn't have any idea that's what was happening - can we say friend zone? I need to work on that... I reconnected with some friends from years past and they have been some of the most beneficial friendships through this all. I met my mini melanoma soul mate Ruby and am so happy she is still fighting on without even realizing she's fighting. Also becoming good friends with her Momma has been a blessing in itself. I had people spoil me and support me and walk with me and send letters and cards and presents and elf deliveries and a couch delivery and just so many things!

All the ups were met with their downs that's for sure. I lost some amazing pet friends as well as some great acquaintances.

For 2017 I want to live in the moment and, not to be morbid, but I want to just live. I want to make it to next New Years feeling better than I feel today. I want to gain strength every day - mental and physical. I want to still be the Alexis that just stops by to say hi cause I was in the neighborhood or sends you a text because you popped into my head - even though I know people think that's odd. I thrive on connection and want to have more of that with those in my life. There are too many days that I feel so lonely yet am surrounded by so much love. I hope to change that feeling and build up my core support group so they can hear me even when I'm quiet. I don't want what 2017's negative potential to make me hard and cold. I want to hold out hope that there is still good in all people. I want to be unapologetic-ally nice to those around me and still find the positive in all the things I can. I want to spend more time building traditions and experiences and adventures with those I care about and not have to apologize for who I am. I want to show people what #stageIVlivin is all about so they can hopefully live their lives more fully.

2017, I hold out hope for you. I want to believe you will be kind to me if I am kind in return. So, bring it on 2017.

My New Years Cards

Couldn't resist these glasses

My New Years crew for years now

Gubby and my 10th New Years together! <3

All things medical

It has been three weeks since surgery and things are going pretty well. The scar is minimal and the swelling is still going down. I have had many people say they feel like it is much better than my last scar. Um, thanks? I knew it wasn't the pretties scar but I guess to have others tell you that is kinda weird. But regardless, it is healing very fast and looking good.

Now the drain...
I am not a fan of drains. It is a love hate situation. I know you need one and it is helpful and all but man they kinda suck and especially when they don't work how they are supposed to. Mine stopped draining accurately about 6/7 days in. A lot of the drainage wasn't going into the drain but was leaking out of the hole entering my scar. Gross I know, but I would say 25% was going into the drain, the rest into bandages/gauze's. By day 12 I was done with it and luckily the nurse pulled it. Lets just say it definitely wasn't working and was practically completely clogged. I was told to express the buildup liquid at home and so I did. And I filmed it. Yep, totally did. So if you like gross weird videos you can see it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9wX0Ec7zRk I have had some redness in the last few days so I stopped in to have it checked today and they had to puncture it and drain it as well. I am on antibiotics and hopefully it will stop accumulating soon.

The white part is what was inside... crazy!

Just a bit special. Drain issues. 

Liver
My liver was really good - legitimately normal while I was in the hospital! So exciting! But... then spiked into the 200's again a week later. Now it is trending back down, without any additional meds. They assume it is from having anesthesia as well as some of the anti-nausea and pain meds given. I just have a super sensitive liver now and forever it seems.

Diet
Since they had to cut the bile ducts in my neck, I was put on a strict NO FAT diet. Yep, no fat. nada. Not even supposed to have a gram! The reason is because fat processes through those ducts and in order for them to heal fully there needs to be no fat circulating through. I.e. no fat. It was torture. So many things have fat in them, and the things that don't like vegetables are really hard for me to eat/chew still. It's was an adjustment to say the least. Best non-fat find to date? Grandma Sycamores WHITE BREAD! And delicious, foamy nonfat chai lattes. Today the doc gave me the go ahead to have fat! Pretty excited to say the least! I actually had a break in appointments after and him and I were getting lunch at the same time so I got to share my fat-full meal (blackened salmon salad) with him and get to know him a bit better which was nice.

I received the pathology report as well. There was 38 lymph nodes removed, 14 of which had melanoma in them. I guess the large "tumor" was a grouping of matted lymph nodes, not just one big tumor. And that "numerous lymph nodes are grossly positive with tumor." There is something about reading about what you have that makes it that much harder. Although I know it is real, it is that much more real when it is on paper in front of your face. Never fun.

Now on to the plan. I will be doing full radiation on my neck starting on November 10th. This will hopefully kill the remaining cells left behind after surgery (we knew going in that it was impossible to get clear margins/all the cells). Radiation will be  20 sessions. Radiation is done everyday, Monday - Friday. I am not sure yet how long each one takes but I would assume I will be up there for about 1-2 hours each time. Planning today went well and I feel alright going forward. They made my mask as well as gave me my first tattoos, three of them. They are little dots to mark where they need to line me up each time. One on each shoulder and one in the middle of my chest. Primal style with ink and a single needle.

The center of the "X" is where the tattoos are (not the full ink you see here)

I was also presented at tumor board again (yes, I am told I am a "frequent flyer" there) and because of the cancer being so aggressive I need to hit it from two ways, and the options for that is chemo. The name of the chemo drug is carbo-taxel and it is able to be given while you are doing radiation, unlike all the immunotherapies that are the other options. This is an 5 hour outpatient infusion chemo that is given every three weeks, up to 6 times, and I am starting that on November 10th as well. And yes it is a make you sick, lose your hair kind of chemo. Right when my hair was really taking on some character. To compare it to my other chemo regimen, this is 2 drugs where the biochemo was 5 drugs at once. I'm hoping I tolerate it well. I had my ugly cry about it and my restless nights (probably just the beginning of those) and now am pretty ok with it all. The timing just sucks, but when is there a good time to start chemo and radiation, or a good time for cancer? The answer is never.

Brain radiation is still in the works, that's about all the info I have on that. Hopefully will find out more soon.

New scans (CT and MRI) on Friday the 4th.

I learned yesterday that one of the people I would always bump in to up at Huntsman (his wife is the mom of some of my childhood friends) passed away from his stage IV lung cancer, diagnosed in May. So hard. Last time I saw him he was having a hard time overall and it just makes me sad to see how many people are affected by this damn disease. Oy.



Here's to treatment options 9 and 10!

Here is a recap:
Surgery #1, Biochemo, HF10/Ipi, BRaf #1 Mekinist/Tafinlar, BRaf #2 Zelboraf/Cotellic, Nivolumab/Ipi Combo, BRaf #1 again, Surgery #2. Now radiation and chemo.

Surgery

It has now been 4 days since surgery and I am attempting to type on my computer - so far so good but can tell it will be short lived.

With me for 4 major inpatient stays 

Right before surgery I had to have a quick CT scan so there was a bit of a shuffle which helped keep my mind off of things. I definitely was emotional though. My friends sent me some great things to keep me distracted though - pictures of puppies, videos of my favorite little guys and then of course Justin Timberlake. Before I knew it I was out, didn't even get to the counting down part! 

When I woke up I had this insane pain - in the heel of my foot! Like crazy pain, enough that I was kicking and screaming. Yes, screaming. I was relieved at that moment that I hadn't lost my ability to talk. But man my foot killed. It was most likely propped up at a weird angle for the 5 1/2 hr surgery and then once it moved and got blood flow it freaked out. Me screaming also meant that I was able to swallow as well. I then smiled and most of the smile works, just a bit of my lower lip is stunned and should hopefully come back. This happened with my last surgery and it took about 2 months to come back. Knowing that it will most likely come back makes it easier to accept.

Before surgery to compare

Before surgery to compare

WARNING - SCAR PICTURES BELOW!

Surgery went really really good. Dr. Monroe said he believes he got every tumor out as well as any affected lymph nodes. He dissected the old scar as well and was able to keep the new scar minimal. I made him take a picture of the tumors and show me them when I was awake - pretty insane. He was emailing them to me but somehow that got messed up. I hope to get them tomorrow to post. It was pretty interesting as some of the lymph nodes and tumors are black while the others were not. That's the melanoma in them. The scar is larger but the sutures/stitches are tighter so I am thinking it will heal even better than my last one. I have a drain that is working pretty well, having some minor issues with it but nothing too big.

Day One - right after surgery

Day One - right after surgery

Day Two - still in the hospital

I was in the hospital for 2 nights and now have been home for 2 nights. My oxygen level tends to drop when I sleep while on pain meds so we decided I should have supplemental oxygen at home for when I am asleep. It isn't too bad, I just hope it isn't a permanent thing.

Day Three - At home after a shower

Day Three - at home, after a shower

The pain isn't too intense - it is there for sure, but not what I had expected. There is a lot of surface skin nerve damage so I am not sure I am truly feeling all the pain that I am actually having, which is one benefit to nerve damage. I have been keeping up on a schedule for my pain meds and things haven't been too rough. I have some limited range of motion but I feel a lot of that is swelling and we can work on it to improve it. Swelling has been the worst the last two days so I have been trying to drink as much water as I can and move as much as my energy will allow - which hasn't been much. I have been sleeping a ton. I know you heal when you sleep so that makes sense, but man I'm exhausted.

This came in handy for my new diet! Just no chocolate dipped ones for me this time

They had to cut one of the bile ducts in that area that regulates fat in your blood stream so because of that I am on a NO fat diet. Like zero fat, nada. Not so easy to do when you can't chew much since most of the fat free (natural) things are vegetables. We are finding recipes and tricks though and for now the nonfat yogurt, cereal, milk and fruits have done ok. Basically on a dairy diet. Like I said, we are working on it.

And this note made me chuckle

And that is about all I can handle of holding up my arm to type, but I feel like I did a pretty good job!