Stage IV Realness - Surgery is Scheduled

Yesterday was a hard day. A hard day I wasn’t anticipating. I had my surgery consult to remove the tumors in my neck. I went in expecting a repeat of the surgery I had in February 2015 but this one is much more involved.

This time they will be doing another radical neck dissection and extending the current scar up behind my ear and a bit outward onto the scalp as well as extending the scar across the front of my neck. This will give them access to all the current tumors, around 6. The surgery is a long one and is much more involved than the first. I don’t really want to go into many details, but it is going to be rough. (If you truly want to know more I am happy to answer any questions you have) I will stay at the hospital for at least two days and then head home after to recoup. After I am healed to their liking we will start radiation; I assume about 4 weeks after surgery. And hopefully get my brain radiation then too. The goal is to remove the bulk of the tumors (it is impossible to remove all of them due to the intricate nerves and veins they are surrounding as well as the tumors are in tissue so the edges aren't clearly defined) and once the bulk is removed then hit it with radiation to hopefully kill the remaining cells. Radiation works better on a cellular level and not a bulk level, so it gives better chance at me killing the most cancer cells possible. 

Surgery is October 12^th. So basically I have just under 3 weeks to live it up before things get really real. I was sad to have to cancel a lot of things that I had already planned (two trips!), hopefully not letting down too many people and they understand the circumstances. They said I’d be down for about 6 weeks.

The hard part about yesterday was that reality slapped me in the face. I really, truly do have stage IV cancer and it gets scary. Decisions are hard and carry so much weight. Treatments are harder, more involved. I no longer have multiple options to choose from as far as treatments go. Things are getting more and more real, and the alternatives are just what you fear – end of life. As much as I do not want to have these tumors, this surgery will be a life changer for sure. The alternative is to just let them grow and then run its course through my body. There are some more systemic treatments available but my track record shows that these f’rs don’t respond to much and when they do they decide to stop responding at some point. Let’s not forget that my neck tumors started growing during biochemo – they are stubborn, painful, ugly shits.

As for the next 20 days I am going to do all that I can to enjoy myself. I am working on getting to California to see my best friend and put my feet in the ocean and maybe head to Disneyland. I am going to see my friends, eat lots of deliciousness, get ready to move into my own place at the end of October, work a little (it keeps me kinda sane) and just truly enjoy myself. I will have plenty of down time coming up that I can binge watch to my heart’s content.